Life is a game

You know in video games, how you start at level 1. Everything is really new and awkward and even the most pitiful enemy is a challenge. That's how we started at the beginning of the semester. You then spend almost half of the game figuring out all the little facets and tools that you have, and then  sometimes do the the same things for every character and teammate. Most of the time, you bumble around trying to figure out what in the world you are supposed to do. Then the magical thing happens, you figure everything out! You've become stronger, you understand how everything works and you've been doing really well thus far; and then you get destroyed. You go back to the books and you find out that the game has changed-- just to keep you on your toes.

That's how I feel about this start up. It's fun, it's hard, and it keeps me thinking. Matt, Mason, Kyle, Karla, we all thought we were figuring this stuff out. We were rock'n it; and then we presented. The thing that surprised us the most was that our questions, which we meant to be as welcoming mats; warm and inviting, ended up being a possible fire hazard that screams "exit now" on it.  We're working on extinguishing the fire, and in the mean time; we want to still welcome our target market with open arms. We are excited about the upcoming activity, and excited about the progress that we have enjoyed so far.

So the only way to go is forward.

Investment

   So you know when you have those "Ah-Ha!" moments. I had one this week. It's really one of those kinds that you have a lot of when you're little, like when you want to touch the oven and you're parents tell you "it's hot", but you touch it anyway just to discover this painful sensation called "hot".
 I learned that in order to be invested in a project, you must actually invest in said project. Sure, I've heard that about a billion and a half times, but I heard that a mission, marriage, college are all wonderful, but didn't really know what they were talking about until I discovered it for myself.

   Right now, I'm experimenting with two things; Wreaths by Hannah (name subject to change), and Zip Migration. All of these lessons are really hard to apply with Zip Migration, why? Do you know how hard it is to find people that aren't citizens of the US? It's actually not my favorite activity to walk up to people and ask, "are you a citizen?". I served a mission and walking up to people and talking to them about important topics is still the single most difficult thing I've ever had to do in my life.

  Wreaths though? That's easy, I'll facebook, talk to the women next to me at the grocery store, whatever, heck, I'll even go to hobby lobby and drop over fifty dollars in glittery feathers and bundles of straw to make a product that I can sell.

So that makes me ask myself; "Why do I feel infinitely more invested in something as meaningless as a wreath?"

Maybe I'm a narcissist, and am invested because wreaths is my idea. Perhaps I'm a terrible person that just wants the world to combust in sparkles burlap and grapevines, but I think that the bigger reason that I have a hard time injecting passion is because, I can't wrap my head around all of this migration/green card stuff; at least not yet.

Now it's time to apply that knowledge and get burned by another fire.

Emotions

Level 10 Passions. I think that there are many things that we have level 10 passions about, but one level 10 passion is on a different level than another. The raw emotion and need for the customers that Nathan has attracted to Adoption.com is probably a more driving level 10 passion than say, my love for Vibram Five Finger toe shoes. I would say that my desire for children is a level 10 passion, and it aligns with some desires to immigrate to this country.

 I interviewed someone, who has a strong Mexican background, thinking that she is a citizen, but is not and learned that because she was brought illegally into the country as a child, does not have a secure option to become a citizen of the US. Her condition is debilitating because she can not travel via airplane, which means that she will probably not travel very far, though she would like to. She's missed out on opportunities that she has earned, like competing in national competitions because she is an illegal alien. She wants to be a citizen, since she grew up here, but has no right to it. This is her Level 10 desire right now, and I bet it's just as high on her list as that woman who said that she had a hole in her heart that she's afraid might never be filled. Another friend mentioned that her mother just married a man from Africa, who is trying to immigrate. He has friends that have had to move away from their spouses because of citizen and green card issues.

Stubborn

I wouldn't say that I learned something about myself, but rater, was reminded of it. When I think I have the right answer, I am stubborn. Perhaps some find that to be an admirable trait, but I found it to halt the work that my team was working on. I think that sometimes that can be a stumbling block for some start up teams. An example from this week was who I thought the users were and who my team mates thought the users were. The lack of communication and the desire to implement each own's idea and vision of what the company should provide for services is making us chase our tails a bit. One moment we are catering to every single person that wants to come to this country, then we are only offering citizenship form help, then we move it to another segment and another. Our customer segment is about as fluid right now as the thoughts that inhabit each individual mind. It's hard to reach a goal that keeps moving.

I think that right now, we need to figure out the steps to the ultimate vision, though I think that the exercises that are helping us to see the steps to our goal in color and make them more tangible is helping in that process.

Struggle

The gentle tones from beneath your pillow sing to you, gently carrying your mind back from worlds that only exist while you slumber. Your waking thoughts begin to stir and your struggle begins.  The reasons to arise and begin the day are challenged and questioned by hopes that your duties can wait, highlighting that deep longing pain that comes only with waking after a few meager hours of escaping the demands of discipline and success. This day, the pleading of undone laundry , a dirty apartment, and unfinished homework arouse your sense of will, so you cease your alarm’s morning lullaby instead of scheduling another performance at a later time.

With your future intentions brought to the forefront of your mind you brave the chilly air outside your blanket enduring moment of goosebump skin and stumble as if you had spun yourself one too many times; toppling over invisible obstacles between your bed and the sink where you wash your face. You look in the mirror; the monster that hides beneath your covers looks back through the reflection. You were always told that monsters hide under the bed, not in them. Its appearance is disturbing; the skin on your face is rough and the color unevenly blended, and your hair seems to be trying to reach an object far away. Something must be done, so you turn the water on and begin the monster’s domestication.

The first bottle works to demobilize and stiffen the mane, and the second to protect it from any actual harm as you blast hot air from the hair dryer onto it’s rebellious nature. Round two is the combination of pomade, wax and hairspray to paralyze and immobilize the mane’s sense of will or action.

You turn, searching your bag of tricks that society expects to appear on the face of every woman. A shade lighter than your natural skin with a name of “ivory” erases the sorrow of lack of sleep, next “natural ivory”, which hides the imperfections, outbreaks and rebellion that have appeared on the monster’s face in recent days lived as you trudge through and in the business of an average day. A quick inspection confirms that the monster has been transformed into a blank canvas, ready for new expectations and awaiting a new transformation.

Signs of life are gently stroked onto the cheekbones to give appearance of health and youth. Next come the small touches that frame and enhances the beauty in the monster that have always existed, but on it’s own struggle to portray. Black lines on the eyes, followed with paint, glimmer and color; nature made your eyes one way, but society says that they should look bigger; stand out more. Last of all an unnatural hue changes the color of once rose color lips, making them become a natural part of that painting that hides the monster.

You scrutinize your work in the mirror, and the monster stares with you. The question arises, what is more frightening; the monster that hides beneath the covers, or the beast that gives it cause to hide. Many brave women face and welcome the beast daily, and others have befriended the monster. It was once said that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but who really is the beholder; the monster or the beast?

You check the clock, the new knowledge brings more decisions; should you cook breakfast or use the time to work, to improve your learning, knowledge and work quality. The monster within tells you to take the easy way, to rest and relax for just a moment. The beast wants you to work. and you choose to cook your breakfast, pulling a pot from the deep recesses of the cupboard beside the; clanging and clashing its way from its slumber. You gather and measure what will soon be your morning meal and stir the ingredients together with your thoughts and contemplations. Fatigue clutters your mind like the cobwebs that live in the attic, and you find yourself turning to the planner; that tool which binds you to the expectations that you feel society should expect from you. The monster spots a spare hour and cries out in hopeful pleading to perhaps return to its home under the covers for a small moment. You drink in the suggestion as it’s breeze tickles the cobwebs in your mind. Suddenly the beast roars in protest, reminding you of the never ending deadlines, the lack of quality in a particular project, or the ignorance of one subject or another. More politely, you’re reminded of the chores that still await your attention as you glance at the dirty dishes in the sink and add your oatmeal pot to the pile.

The monster and the beast continue the debate as you eat your breakfast, patiently listening to each argument in turn. You decide this day to compromise, promising the beast that the work  will be done, and delighting the monster in the decision to let it hide for a moment during lunch.  

You pack your books, your computer and your self-discipline in preparation for the hours that will be spent learning and applying knowledge with the beast leading the way. You glance at the clock, you could play for five minutes, but the beast reminds you of your promise and you leave your apartment. As you walk to class, the beast walks in stride reminding you of the lessons scheduled to be learned that day, the homework assignments that have been done and the pile of dishes; waiting to be cleaned. The monster quietly trudges behind with the occasional outburst of pleasure from a particular flower or cloud in the sky.

You sit down and with the beast listen to the teacher, deciding which information is necessary enough to write on paper to remember for later. As you ascend to another class the monster impatiently mourns the hours that must be awaited before it’s reward for patience and silence. At last when the last class has ended, the beast whispers to you,

“You know, there’s that assignment that is due tomorrow, I think you should just skip the nap today. It really needs to be done,”

The monster, on the other side protests with sound logic,

“You’ve only slept for three hours, how can you do your best, if you’re sleeping through your homework; you really need to sleep.”

The debate continues, with reminders that deadlines will come no matter how much or little sleep you get, but your body constantly complains of fatigue with every stair you climb. You walk past someone eating their lunch,  and the warm, savory smells of garlic and bread flirt with your impulses, suddenly giving the monster’s arguments light and credibility. You decide to go home for lunch and keep appointment to rest. The monster happily walks alongside you  excitedly pointing out a squirrel running up a tree or the curious shape of a branch along the way home; the beast trailing two steps behind, muttering about the dishes in the sink and the bag of unlaundered clothes sitting inside the closet, hoping that you will come to your senses.

With lunch finished; you continue your break to rest your body setting the alarm to a time that causes the beast to grate its teeth but deems acceptable. The same gentle tones that brought your waking thoughts into the day arises your senses; your mind and body join together with the monster in a chorus of siren song that lulls you back into sleep. You wake again much later than expected, with no time to comfortably achieve and fulfill the duties that is expected of you With tears pricking your eyes as you feel the pressure rising,  you feel the lump in your throat and the ache in your head increases as the deadlines draw closer.

You gratefully look to the beast, who gently encourages you to keep moving through the pain, promising that you will look back knowing that you did your best and the prize of a satisfactory grade. Eventually no logical thoughts can break through the clouds of anxiety, stress, and the pains of hunger and fatigue. The monster within you suggests you stop for a moment, promising that you can return back to work and do a better job if only you take a small break. The beast bares it’s fangs, reminding the monster that your current situation was caused by its persuasions to sleep more. In frustration the monster replies heatedly to the beast, making points referring to  underproductivity caused by lack of energy and pain which could be cured with a little rest. As you listen, you attempt with all your will power to wade through the flood of conflicting ideas and desires. More compromises; the battle is won by no one, and there’s still much work to do, and little time to do it. The feelings of despair and ideas that your mistakes are irreparable dissolve as your head clears again with the added nutrition and five minutes to mull over your plan to accomplish the tasks that wait in the immediate future.

As the hour grows late and the deadlines draw near, the war between the monster and the beast grow, causing your desires and decisions to shift and tremble. The night walks on and he waits for no one, apathetic of  battles won or  battles lost, the casualties of unfinished work or unattended needs litter his wake. The morning will arise and the war may be over, and only you can decide who will surrender and who will succeed.

There is admiration for those who have joined forces only  with the beast. They leave the monster at home, they are those that create lasting difference in the world, the ones who find cures, or stay up all night to make a discovery that could change the way everyone looks at the world. There’s also those who only listen to the monster, who live out their lives only doing that which makes them feel happy; those who spend their time around family and friends, and only working to supply what is needed to sustain life. Which is the best choice; or is there a best choice? The choice is ours at every moment;  to choose discipline and work or joy in the moment. Which will you hold to have more beauty monster or the beast?

Week 7: The Saviors Love

This is the last week, and honestly I'm sad to see it come. The natural man (and busy woman) is glad to see the filfillment of an obligation, but I've really enjoyed learning from these assignments and from the other students in my class.

This week, is based on our view of ourselves, Jesus Christ, and our fellow man. Christ said, "A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another." John 13:34-35

I remember a few years ago, when I was still a young seminary student listening to a song that explained that the artist wanted to dissapear behind the reflection of the Savior. To this, the Holy Ghost bore witness that I should live this way; and so I committed myself to finding how I could do that. The answer came in a discussion in some place and some time that I don't remember and probably doesn't matter. What does matter is the answer, which was that others will be able to see the Savior in your actions, words and example if all things are done with love.

I learned that though verbally bearing one's testimony is faith building, and brings the Spirit; the true testimony comes from the actions one uses to back up the word with. People will see if you are truly a deciple of Christ if your actions bear the fruit of love.

True love is Charity, or how I see it, when we love without a desire to gain something in return. There are many ways that we can show this love, and it's only up to the person to determine the motive behind the action. Some examples may be if there is gossip about someone because of their style (or lack of), don't stand for it. We'v heard it a thousand times , and that many different ways. We don't know the whole story, and even if they do, even if they might in our eyes or the accuser's eyes seem justly fit for riducule, ask one question; "how is this fullfulling my covanant with the Lord?"

When someone new comes to church, or to work, or to school- chances are they feel aprehensive, lonely and perhaps a little scared. There are probably so many people, they don't know where to start or who they should talk to first. It's scary being new, so releve some suffering and go talk to them, and introduce them to your friends and people that make you feel happy!

I hope that people see Christ wen they look at me. I try very hard (not to pat myself on the back, I've got a long way to go) to live the way that Christ wants me to live. Commitments are a good thing, so because I have a long way to go I want to make a short list of things I'm going to work on starting this week. I've more or less specifically applied this to my mother. She's a great woman who sees the worst and best of me. I hope that she can see more of the best and less of the beast.

• I will be nicer about my suggestions to improve a situation. I have a hard time with this one, mostly because I want people to understand what I'm trying to say. I know that sometimes I come across as brash (and on days that I've already worked for ten hours and I have eight more hours of homework staring me in the face sometimes I'm a little grumpy too). I will think first about how I would respond to the statments that I'm about to make.
• I will listen to suggestions, and follow them, even if I don't exactly favor the desired method of getting from point A to point B
• I will show my love and go out of my way to help with something that is important to someone else (such as waking up early to weed the garden). It's easy to go out of my way for something that is important to me, and it's an added bonus if it's important to them too, but it's a little more difficult when it's not your favorite.

I'm going to have to find some way to follow up, so I guess I'll be posting next week too.

Week 6: The Comforter

My journey through the New Testament brings me this week to the Holy Ghost (the fact that it was an assignment option may or may not have helped sway my intrest peak this week.

The longer I live, the more I discover that I can't to do this whole life thing on my own. There are so many pressures from the world. Family, work, school, and activity in the gospel. All of these things have a tendency to scrape our metephorical butter thinly over the top of some whole wheat metephorical toast (because it's hard to butter real toast with metephorical butter)

Sometimes this world can be a cold lonely place...or it can seem like it anyway. Christ tells us that if we love Him and keep the commandments, then the Holy Ghost will ever be with us. Why is this important, why would something that we can not use our natural senses to percieve bring someone comfort? Christ answers this question too. In John 14 he tells us this: "But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you." (emphis added)

I know that I forget things all the time, so just having someone (whether I can see them or not) is really actually very comforting that as long as I'm doing my best, that I will not forget anything very important. We will be reminded of Christ, help us repent of our sins, and he will guide us where we need to go.

These are all really wonderful tools that we have been given, but they don't come without doing somethings that God has required of us. Christ told the deciples that they must testify of Christ, be physically seperated from Him, keep the commandments, love the Savior, pray in faith, then live with that faith instead of fear.

To me the Holy Ghost has been a never failing guide and friend. I have seen in my life where He lifts my capacities mentally, physically, and spiritually to do things that I alone could not accomplish if I had been left to my own devices. Also in addition to that and perhaps partially because of that, there has been more light and fullness to my life. In essance, because I have the Holy Ghost with me, I am able to be more and more like my Savior Jesus Christ, and am able to more fully walk in His footprints.

So, to return to the question that peaked my intrest as I read this week (especially in John), "how does the Holy Ghost help us with our mission here?" I don't just mean when I say "mission" when one leaves one's home for a period of time to preach and share the gospel that Christ has shared with us, I mean the mission that each of us as come to this earth to fulfill.

Let's take a look at the Apostles. How were they helped in the remainder of their lives? They had lived with the Savior, and not only grown to love Christ as their Savior, but as a dear friend, and their strength. The Holy Ghost was able to remind them of that strength as they suffered persecution, and the taxing task to keep the purity of the gospel across the map, fighting tradition and misunderstanding and inturpritation of the ideas of man. They were taught how to run the church, given inspirition as they wrote epistles to individuals and groups of members of Christ's followers. Ultimatley, they were given the strength to look pain, fear, temptation and even death in the face, and still choose the Savior and His teachings.

I can not recall a major moment in my life where the Holy Ghost has touched me in such a powerful way as to forever sear the memory into my mind, however, the warmth of the constant nudgings, adjustings, and loving reminders help me to know that He is there. He gives me, and others "hunches", just plain intuition that turns to be a blessing. I will think of a friend and want to call them, so I do and they just needed someone to say hello, or something small like that. Those small things end up meaning the world to me though, and they help me to know that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ is real, and that they have done and are doing everything to help me  return to them.

You know, when we look at it all. We aren't required to do a lot.